My children....I would have had.

I keep saying to myself I am going to get on here more often. I really need to. Something about just getting it all out makes it s much better. I've done a lot of talking to God. He knows my heart through and through.
 As I sit here tonight all I can do is think. I am calculating months and years and here is the numbers and thoughts I have come up with.

 Baby number 1 my due date was May 2012 he/she would be 2 now.
Baby number 2 my due date October 2012 he/she would just have turned 2.
Baby number 3 tubal in right tube my due date September 2013 13 months.
Baby number 4 my due date June 2014 4 months.
Baby number 5 tubal in left tube, I would be about 6 months pregnant right now. I would have found out the sex. Probably decorated a nursery this time.

It's so depressing when you think about never having another small child to hold. Especially When you have a child and you know exactly what you are missing out on. Not to diminish The hurt of those who have no children. My heart goes out to anyone going through this. I look around at so many people having babies. I hear the words Babies are a miracle, or Children are a gift from God so casually thrown around. Have you ever sat and thought about exactly What that means? Have you just been amazed at what a miracle life is? I have. I see it all over facebook and in the world and I know how blessed those people are. I hope that with everything you have you are thanking and praising God for your children, and for that healthy pregnancy you had with no complications. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I look back at my pregnancy with Kyle. Not one day of morning sickness, no hospital visits, I could freely talk about my pregnancy, and baby without a care in the world because I had never experienced loss. I know in Heaven I will be reunited with all my children. I don't know why God had this plan for us. My husband and I have much praying and planning to do come December. We must decide once and for all wether to give it a rest. I'm still hoping with all I am that God wants us to know he's in control. He wants to show us what kind of miracles he can bring into our life and in the end he will get all the glory. Thanks friends for listening.

Two most insensitive comments I hear a lot...

" you want more kids, here you can have one of mine." And my all time favorite...
" just relax it will happen when you're not worried about it." Ok gee thanks so it's my fault this happening to me. Don't be that person stop saying these things.

2 more losses..

Well my last post was a while ago. Just after we returned home from Disneyworld I found out I was pregnant again. Number 4. Lost that one too. I was still confident. We were very consistent in trying again. In March I got another big fat positive. We were so happy but then I started having some issues. I went to the doctor and got the worst news ever! ANOTHER ECTOPIC PREGNANCY. Not only that but this time it was in the other tube. I chose to do the shot treatment. Went through the same thing again. We were highly advised to do IVF or adoption for my sake and health. Right now we are just trying to take a break.

After the Surgery...

Well I have been so busy with many things. I had Laparscopic surgery on July 2nd. Everything went fine. However during the surgery they discovered I had Endometriosis!!! Ding! Ding! The answer for all my problems. They lasered it all off. We were given the ok to start trying again. He told me I really should not put it off since the Endo has no cure and could come back at anytime. So we are getting busy!!

Update!!

Well Surgery is set for Tuesday July 2nd. Hopefully this will be the start of something better for us! Pray for me!

Update: on infertilty problem

It looks like I will be having surgery anyway. They are going to try and unblock the tube if they can not they will simply just remove it. He said recovery is easy 2days at the most, out patient surgery. They still have to go in and look at my left tube as well. He said they could not exactly tell if it was completely normal or not. If it is fine then I can go on about my business hopefully have a baby. He said if the left tube is abnormal then I would have to consider IVF for a healthy pregnancy. I am thinking it should be fine. But we will see. Not what I wanted to hear. Please left tube be normal. They will figure out how this happened it could be any number of reasons. He also said even with the tube fixed I am still at a disadvantage for a healthy pregnancy. Without surgery 60 percent chance another ectopic, with surgery and one healthy tube 15 percent chance. I have to wait a couple of weeks for the surgery but we may be in Garner when he wants to do it so then I may have to put it off for July. He said its not life or death waiting a month won't kill me. But as I have heard Dr gullet say before, "time is not your friend." He said he would not put it off any longer than that. The older I get the more risk are involved and the more my eggs will age. After the surgery he said I should give my body at least one month to heal then I am in the clear. Alot of people do not realize how common infertility is in couples who have already conceived one healthy child. My doctor said he has seen women after having 2 children come in wanting a third and can not get pregnant. Its common and can happen. Thanks for the prayers keep them coming. I hope everything works out. I will let everyone know when my surgery is when I find out. Thanks guys.

About my family and how things have been!

So we have A sweet little boy named Kyle! I thank God for him every day! WE are hoping to add on to our family very soon! We have been trying for quite some time with little success. I got pregnant back in September of 2011. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. My doctor told me it was common it happens to alot of women not to worry. I found out I was pregnant again end of January 2012. I had another miscarriage at 6 weeks. After this I was given a hormone test. It showed that my egg quality was not good. Not viable for conception or if they are concieved they will not live long. We tried fertility drugs for 6 months. Nothing happened. We decided to take a break from the drugs fo a couple of months. Three months went by still nothing. I tried the drugs one more time as a last ditch effort to try and avoid seeing a specialist. They did not work. So then I started seeing Doctor Grunert. Who I like but his nurses are the rudest people I ever met! While seeing him.. I found out I was pregnant in February 2013. The day before Valentines day. I had a feeling I was pregnant. I went to the store and got a test because I wanted to surprise Adam for V-day! We were so happy! FINALLY! We thought it's our time again! Surely nothing will go wrong this time. NOT! Just two days later i was in extreme pain followed by other serious issues. I called my doctor and they assumed I was having another miscarriage. I was told to stay off my feet all weekend and they would see me Monday. I went in Monday, they did an ultrasound and discovered an Ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube. I was 9 weeks. I could see it, I even heard the heartbeat! I was told I was lucky I would not have to have surgery because we caught it early. We were both devastated. I was given a shot called Methatrexate. They give this shot to Cancer patients. It can cause severe sickness and liver damage. But it is commonly used for this. It stops the growth of the pregnancy and helps your body to release it naturally. I went to the ER later that night with severe pain. They told me it was contractions i was feeling and it was a good sign. I never had contractions with Kyle so did not know. I was sent home the next day still in pain. The next morning I was in pain for about 3 to 4 hours. I felt the pressure, the urge to push, just like I was in labor. I screamed the whole time while Adam kept Kyle far away. And just like when you have a baby.. instant relief when it was over. only for a little while though. It took me about 5 weeks to feel normal again. Not long after that did a dye test. They determined my right tube was 100% blocked. I was told I could try IVF or have surgery to tie up the tube. At first IVF sounded like the way to go but our insurance will cover the surgery. So we may just do that. I am seeing the doctor on May the 20th. I will have another update then. But either way we will have to fix the tube!